Free Write: On Never Having Been In Love

I’ve been loved and I’ve loved hard but never in it, always just off to the side. Always just a circling the drain. I never fell. On the outside looking in. I was never pushed. I figured out what “normal” looked like in a relationship and I tried to emulate it as best I could. When I slipped, folks blamed the illness or the artist and they were right but it was also this need to stay just a little bit out of reach.
I think about collateral damage often. I think about the men who are somewhere thinking that they were the great love of my life; lamenting or laughing about how they broke my heart or hurt me. What they don’t know is that they didn’t break me because I was never theirs to break. I chose them because I knew they could never see me or touch me. I chose the emotionally repressed. I chose the machismo. I chose the mommy issues. I chose the arrogance. I chose the conceit. I chose the self centered navel gazing pseudo poet. I chose anything that told me that there was an expiration date. I was just waiting for it. Biding my time and holding my self close. So when they left, I sighed in relief. Exhaled for the first time we negotiated a hello or a kiss. And there were tears. There was a wetness that appeared when it was necessary and often when it wasn’t. The tears were real. The hurting was real but it wasn’t for them. I brought the hurting with me. I only leave with what I came with.
And my “I love yous” were never statements or declarations. They were questions, “Can you see me?”
 
If the answer was yes, I let them believe that when I ended it, it was their idea. And if the answer was no, then I knew that I needed to check the expiration date. I needed to gather my things, collect what I came with and leave before someone got hurt.

  1. Date Posted Icon 19th January 2012
  2. Notes Icon Notes: 45
  1. ellemillie reblogged this from whyimsingle
  2. emergingasme reblogged this from basseyworld
  3. xcusemyffrench reblogged this from simplencomplex
  4. simplencomplex reblogged this from basseyworld and added:
    so powerful…Wow!
  5. duchessg-x reblogged this from basseyworld
  6. thecocoaluvchronicles reblogged this from basseyworld
  7. thecocoaluvchronicles said: seriously, are you me? le sigh
  8. sweetx3 reblogged this from whyimsingle and added:
    OMG. i am in awe of these feelings and the authentic substrates of thought. too often, we call love complicated when it...
  9. forshitsngiggles reblogged this from whyimsingle
  10. bree83 reblogged this from whyimsingle
  11. whyimsingle reblogged this from basseyworld
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  15. ironfist-velvetglove reblogged this from basseyworld
  16. redbeandreams reblogged this from basseyworld and added:
    *deep understanding sigh*
  17. mysticmelodies reblogged this from basseyworld
  18. graham-bailey reblogged this from basseyworld and added:
    like this anymore.
  19. inmyhead16 reblogged this from basseyworld
  20. basseyworld posted this