Ramble: On broken hearts, broken unicorns and boys that won’t ever know
Part of the reason why my article for XOJane was so difficult for me was because of how raw it was. I think over the years, due to my career as a performer, how to give people a very little and make them feel like they’re getting everything. I did it on twitter and I do it on blog on occasion. You can read everything I write and still not really know what my days are like or what is really on my mind or heart. What I give is real and true but it barely scratches the surface. I’m fine with that and I because it’s authentic, people don’t really feel cheated… or at least no one has expressed that to me. The truth is, I only get so close. Even people who think they are or were the closest to me, never get too close. I’ve seen folks disappointed by something I’ve done and it registers and I understand why they would be upset but I don’t understand why they’re upset. I’m trying to protect them. I try not to make promises or commitments.
My friend since 8th grade asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding about 7-8 years ago and I dropped the ball tremendously. When she asked me, I wanted to say no but I knew that she wouldn’t get it and would be really hurt by it so I said yes. I should have said no. I ended up flaking. I couldn’t organize anything. I was a few weeks out of the hospital so I couldn’t even be really good support for her. I was kicking myself for agreeing to do it when I knew I couldn’t. I was at the wedding and stood as her maid of honor but I didn’t deserve it.
I don’t make plans. I wake up every morning and I think, “I’m awake. Cool.” Literally, that’s what I say to myself. When I’m depressed, it’s more like, “I’m awake. Fuck.” and when I’m hypomanic, it’s, “Awake? I haven’t gone to sleep yet.” My point is this…
That article was really tough for me. I’m still having so much anxiety and it’s been days. I’ve received amazing support and comments and emails and messages and I’m so touched and humbled and amazed that there are so many people who have been or have loved those with this horrible, terrible, amazing thing. That helps. But for some reason, I feel even more isolated. I feel like the only unicorn without a horn. That makes sense to me. I’m sure it doesn’t make sense to anyone else but that’s how I feel.
There was this guy that I held on to the possibility of for almost a year. It’s so weird. I don’t do that. I have a 2 month attention span. And this person is heading towards a year and we’re not together or anything like that. We don’t even talk so that’s even more weird. And I guess my writing this in the first place solidifies that we’ll probably not going to be anything. Before though, I feel like letting people into my head. I mean, really into my head, not the surface that still laughs and loves like a “normal” person, means that I’m accepting this alone. Who would want to deal with all of this? The easy answer is, “Oh the person who can is the one for you.” or whatever cliche. I don’t believe that. I don’t believe it for myself, rather. I believe it for you. I believe that that person is there and he or she will love every jagged and barbed wire and cotton and molasses part of you. I just don’t believe it for me. And this article is essentially my white flag. I give up. I’m not going to pretend to be the kind of girl that has a future and plans for it. or the kind of girl that your mother is going to be thrilled you brought home. She won’t be. She’ll try to talk you out of me. Hell, MY mother will try to talk you out of me. And who needs that? Who wants to wake up and wonder if the woman they went to sleep with is going to be okay in the morning? I’ve already laid it out for you. The worst bits have alphabet and oxygen attached. I don’t want anyone to see me when the sadness descends. This isn’t about E. It’s different. That boy is made of magic and resilience. It’s his birthright. He is that despite me.
And frankly, I’m not sure I want anyone scattered enough to deal with me. One of us has to be pillar. We can’t all be sand and wind and salted sea. One of us has to be pillar. One of us.
I never ever thought there would be some great love of my life. I’ve never been that girl. I never dreamed of weddings and honeymoons. I never dated anyone and pictured children and a lifetime of breakfasts and bill paying. If I could see until the end of the month or the beginning of the next season, you were good and special but still limited. Even at this advanced age, I still don’t see it or understand what it means to want that. Except for that guy. And I think I see it with him because I will never see him. So it’s easy. And if he ever reads that article, it will put the lock on that door. Who wants to sign up for that?
I’m trying to tell myself that I am prepared. I’m not. But at this point, what choice do I have?
Everything isn’t for everyone. This isn’t for me. It’s not about the law of attraction. It’s about the law of reality. So there’s that.
I’ll probably delete this when I get out of the shower. I just needed to release it. And sit with the truth of it. I’m not a martyr. It’s not about that, I reject the seduction of matyrdom. I’ve said it before and I mean it, Joan of Arc didn’t set herself on fire. So I will put my matches away. I’m dedicated to convincing other people in the world, that everything I just wrote above, doesn’t apply for them. There is a place where love and happiness will tackle you when you’re ready. I wish that for everyone who ever felt “not normal” and I believe it exists…
for them.
