I wrote this 10 years ago after my first onstage anxiety attack. It’s old. Thought I’d share it.

love someone and mean it,

B.

your voice in the echo of nightmares/

comforts/ keeps fires burning/

heats hell/ like pain/in

hollowed halls/ remind me of home

home and happier nows/

steady/

the breath of lovers/

time and truth/

and heartbeats once consumed by/

passion/now passed on/acquainted

newly antiquated stares/ of

voices whispering

“so how are you”/

will ricochet/

feel nothing/

make this work/

prized consolations for a game/

i never permitted myself to play/

yet/i am losing horribly/i

want to disappear /

into halos/

into afros/

dread

lock outs/

bellies burning/

with anxious rumblings/

hearts burn

rekindled fires burn/

need to rest comfortably/

so through closed eyes/ i

burn in my memory/ there are

images of lips/ that spray words of

betrayal/

and love

pain and love

hurt and love

hell and love

help me to

love

come here and leave me to burn

trapped

within the rigid boxes of this

concrete jungle

dance

across broken bottles

bodies

lying on sidewalks

discarded yesterdays

regrets

invite bruises of painful memories

live

without past

without future

for now

just be beautiful without permission/

live

like poems written when strength was common/

poems written for yesterdays devoid of words/

that cut and heal

then cut to heal

forgive/forget

heal and hold familiar scents/

close to naked breasts and rotting stench

the truth

of life

love

right

what’s left

of now

no

of longing

go

of wait and knowing when

to face

or fuck

fists

and arms that hold and choke

to die and rot

and if not for love/then

for what?

for who?

for you/i ache

in blue

purple breath

dangling on the lonely edge of truth/

truth lodged in the pit of something/that

was once beautiful/ something

fluid and persistent/like

rivers run/like

slaves run/like

you ran from me/like

i ran from you/like

in my nightmares i run

instead of living/i run

mercury spilling over surfaces/

time inching towards forever/

i’m too afraid of dying too young

so i ration breath/

and i redirect heartbeat towards/

something that resembles living

cancerous/like

so many of my own contradictions